LETTER TO ME EX-ROOMMATE, EX-BEST-FRIEND THAT I WILL NEVER SEND

Well, contrary to belief, I hear you are checking your email, so I thought I'd leave you a message, I just want to throw this out there.

In our argument, the one that ended our friendship, as it were, forever, I accused you only of things that were true.  I didn't know they were true, but I knew they were possible, given your present circumstances.  No, I never did like your boyfriend, but I never mentioned him, and I'm sorry things didn't work out.  I did accuse you of probably being at home and pregnant by Christmas time, but that was a judgment I made in accordance to your actions.  My mistake, I was off a couple of weeks in my estimation, but you were already pregnant then, anyways.  However, I confided in you and you alone my worries.  Yes, I was worried about you.  You're this strong, motivated girl, you have extraordinary potential.  you just finished dropping out of univeresity, I didn't want to see you throw your life away for the first guy that took a liking to you. You, on the other hand, accused me --and my boyfriend-- of numerous things, and rather than confronting me, you were successful in telling anyone who would listen.  You started all sorts of rumours about me, and within those rumors, you even said I was spreading rumors of YOU - you being pregnant, you being engaged.  In fact, when push came to shove and I felt that one of your friends didn't have actual evidence to back up her claim, I felt that she was spreading a rumor about you, even though we weren't talking, I felt it was right to to put her in her place.  I took it upon myself to let you know what was being said behind your back.  I gave you one last opportunity to tell me the truth.

And yet, I have to wonder, did I not mean so much as I thought I did?  Did I mean anything at all to you, or were you just using me?  Why didn't you tell me you thought you were pregnant, why didn't you say things weren't working out - with me, with him, with your family, anyone?  You told several of your close friends, but not me.  Why should I have had to play the laughing fool - the one living with her that has no knowledge about anything at all going on in her life.  I called you my best friend, I told you everything, but when push came to shove.. I didn't matter to you.  I mean, obviously, if you could so relentlessly use me as your scapegoat, as an excuse to blame anything that might out, anything you didn't want others to know yet, you couldn't have cared about our friendship.  It wasn't fair of you to put me in that place.  You were in no position to try to turn my friend against me, just because you were in a situation where you may not have been sure about how to deal with.

And, with all honesty, we should have known better than to move in together.  We always used to fight.  Constantly.  Neither of us liked being wrong.  Although, none of those fights ever lasted past last recess.  What was so different about this one?  That I was partially right?  I was also partially wrong, that makes you paritally right.  It was a fair fight, in fact, until you brought in someone else, until I was being double-teamed by someone who used to be --and once again is--my friend.  It should have been just another fight, I'd return to the city, we'd forget it ever happened.  But no, I just met another wall of resistance upon my arrival.  You even told my mom we could get through it, we'd go out for supper, we'd talk about it.  I was optomistic, I was totally unprepared for what I met.

When, in actuality, I was the one being truly hurt, the only one being played, the only one with rumors starting about her, where do you get off on deciding whether or not we will be friends again, whether our friendship will "ever be the same" again?  You've left me with so many questions.  If our friendship meant anything at all to you, how could you end it so rashly, like that?  Why did you ever forgive me if you only meant to ignore me?  For a while, you cut off everyone.  But now, you're friends with everyone again.  Everyone but me.  What on Earth did I ever do to hurt you so badly?? Did I do anything at all, or was I just some pawn in your little game?  It hurts a lot, finding out after 6 or so years of what I thought was being friends, you could just drop me that quickly and never look back.  It undoubtedly makes a person wonder, did I ever matter?  Was I ever your friend?  Were you just pretending all that time, were you maybe always talking about me behind my back?

 I'm not criticizing you for the life you now lead, and I sympathize you for the position that you are now left in.  I wish you all the luck in the future, I just wish I knew why I won't be a part of it.  I wish I knew where or how we went wrong.

~*snaffoo on you*~

-Kate

..wow, there was a lot i had to get out there.  i wonder if it would be so horribly wrong to get it out, for real?

i have no idea what's going on, i wish everything would just simplify...

He's my rock, he's supposed to be the only thing that I have left, what gets me through and keeps me here, what i look foward to every trip home for and every weekend that he comes  up.  He's my highschool sweet-heart, we've been together for 3 years on and off, and if it ends again, it'll probably be the end, for good.  I've got myself in this mess of a relationship that I can't see myself getting out of.  I always knew there were better guys out there, I just didn't want to wait for one to come along, so i settle for, and fell in love with, less.

Now I'm seeing more opportunities and a whole new world without prejudicing any apparent past.  I met the seemingly perfect guy.  And I can't do anything about it, and I don't know how to tell him I have a boyfriend, and I wonder if I'll even be able to say no...

He's a really good guy and he's nice and sweet and pretty cool and hot!  And IN the city.  He's HERE, right now.  Not techinically, he's at home. I'm at my home.

How am I supposed to fully experience the whole college scene if I'm extremely taken?  How could I ever get along without my bf, though...  I'm all HE has left, too.  He's not sure about anything anymore and he's working a deadend job trying to figure out what to do with his life, and the only thing he can be sure of is me and my total and complete loyalty to him.  This will sound completely childish, but he cheated on me once.  Am I allowed to do the same?  Just to know that there isn't better?  I don't want to throw my life away from some guy.  I don't want to waste all these years for nothing.  It seems like we're not getting anywhere, anymore.  And yet, I miss him so much

Please tell me that I'm only questioning this because he's not here.  That after seeing him this weekend, everything will be back to normal and I'll figure out a way to just be friends with my dream-guy.  That's all I wanted, and it's not like he *really* tried anything.  That's what makes it so bad.  He's just so mature and polite and totally not pushy, how do you say no to what appears to be friendliness?  But it's the combination of actions and conversations...  I'm hanging out with him tomorrow.  It's not just the two of us, it'll be a group  I'll tell him then.  I'll explain the situation (very briefly) with the final note that I'm momentarily taken.  I'll go from there.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I've heard all of these horrible stories about first-year english classes, how tough they are, how horrible your marks will be and how much it will bring down your average...

My mother, even, whom i view as one of the smartest women in the world, had a horror story from her first year english class.  The worst mark she ever received in her life was her very first english essay.  She got a 50%, and apparently she wrote about the wrong things.

Hearing this, I was mortified when the prof said that the class average was a 66%.  No one even got an A or A-.  There were a LOT of D's.  It was a lower class average, even, than he was used to for first year english.

I'm used to about a 96% in English (coming from high school), where my teacher was moderately tough, especially on a select few that he felt could go far.

Still, I was certain that this would be my first D in my life.

I got a B+!!!! That's the highest mark he gave out!

-AND! 86% on the French test!

Mom and gramma are coming up to see me this weekend, I'm so glad.  I just get so homesick, and the weekends are especially bad if I don't go home.  I end up calling home 3-4 times a day Friday and Saturday and Sunday.  It's not like there aren't things I could be doing instead, but the only reason I stay in the city for the weekend is to finish homework, so I can't go out, because that might mean I have to stay next weekend, too!  (Which I do, already.)

THe girl that was considering moving in found a friend (someone she actually knows, as opposed to me) and so I'm still completely by myself.  I made a big save on my phonebill ($86 credit - when you say you can't even call home to talk to mom and dad and sound desperate, it works every time!!)  I really miss *him* and can't wait to see him.  I can't believe I might actually go a month without getting to spend "real" (more than 10 min once a week) time with him.

 Well, back to my new life, the never-ending homework.  Please end soon.

i really miss him... i haven't seen (except for a few minutes after a hockey games) since thanksgiving.  He was going to get a few days off of work to come see me this week, which i at first disagreed with because i midterms, but then agreed to because i wanted to see him, and his coming up would be motivation to finish studying.   Now he can't get any days off of work and he'll be gone all weekend with hockey, and next weekend he has home games, but my parents are coming to see me....  Maybe he'll come up next week, sometime

I guess two weeks shouldn't and wouldn't be a big deal to most people,  but for my whole life, i've always seen him every single day at school, even on weekends, even when we weren't dating, we ended up at the same places.  He's always lived 2 blocks away from me... it's tough.. and I guess it's only been 6 months (minus a day!) this time, but it's probably over two years total, spread out over 3 years (minus a week!)

 Well, back to studying.  I guess I can take as long as I want now, and who cares if I finish or not...

WHat in the world is wrong with me?  I never needed any motivation other than a chance at perfection before....

i'm claustrophobic of being alone. 

Living alone, I have a 1000 sq ft condo all to myself.  It's never cluttered; it's always clean and in order.  It's a fair size, with lots of breathing room.  There's really nothing wrong with it.  However, to me, it's the smallest place in the world.  Even the open space is pushing in on me, suffocating me, so that I walk aroud aimlessly, trying to get away from it all, trying to find somewhere to breath.  It encapsulates my thoughts and steals them away, this alone feeling.  I can think of nothing to do; it's to hard to form proper thoughts.  And yet, to not think at all is so painful.  To give in and become vegetative is so inviting, and yet to let everything slide and allow the task list to  grow longer and let everyone down is impossible.  When I get really upset, when the list is too large and all I want to do is go home, the force grows stronger.  Even finding myself curled up in a ball in a corner is not enough.  I can feel it nawing away at me, trying to make me smaller, trying to gain more room.  At these times, I'm afraid to move, and the best thing that could ever happen to me would be to wake up and find out it was all a dream and now I get to start life for real, and this time I won't make the choices I made, and I won't find myself alone and in this situation, and I'll try hard in school like I always used to, and I'll have motivation, and I'll get things done, and I'll be so swept up in life that It can't touch me.

I want anything, except for being alone.  How is it possible to have so many people above and below and beside you and yet feel so completely and utterly lonely?  How might someone find that living in a city with hundreds of thousands of people can leave a feeling of loneliness so much stronger than ever felt in a small town of a thousand people?

It's not like I don't know anyone here; I have 9 former classmates living in the same complex as me.  I have "friends" at school that I sit with, and in some classes, I even have a choice.  It's just that I can't afford to talk to them.  Being by myself with any "real" distractions is distractful enough.  I'm behind in everything, just because I'm not used to the routine.  It shouldn't be anything new at all, except that I never had to work hard in High School to get 90's.  90's were a given, and sometimes I worked harder to impress, but only if I really wanted to.  Here, marks of any sort are work, and no work is done in class.  I guess I'll figure it out, eventually.  This last midterm was supposed to be my wake-up call, but I'm still waiting for the reality of this all to kick in.  I just don't care, and I don't understand why.  Getting poor marks used to be the scariest thing in the world for me; it meant i was unprepared and I didn't understand.  Not understanding is one my my worst fears, but my life is filled with it now.

Maybe it's because I'm watching my boyfriend, who I shunned for the last few months, turn out to be right.  He's taking a year off to play hockey, because he really doesn't know what he wants to do.  He has time to live a bit and decide, so that he doens't make the wrong choices.  I made the wrong choices.  I still don't know what I want to do.  I'm going to try to go into engineering next year, just because it means I can have a goal.  Probably, nothing I'm taking this year will transfer.  Probably, I'll ahve to take spring and summer classes so that I'm caught up and don't have to start from scratch.

Probably, I still won't know what I want to do.

the whoel family went back to school today.  It was weird, not going.  I didn't realize it until someone asked me how it felt. I guess if I had been home, it would have hit me harder, but I was at work.

Bitterness is sweepiing over me.  In an effort to become closer to my family, I am ceaselessly pushing my family away.  I snap at every little thing when it comes to them, then get madder when they get mad at me for it.  I guess I'm bitter over a lot of things - leaving my family, my home, my friends, moving into the unknown, AKA a city and huge school where I don't know anyone.  Leaving behind my bf, who I'm really not sure will even notice.  I mean, it's my last 4 days and he's going 3 days without me even hearing from him or seeing him - rather than spending more time with him than ususal, I'm spending less and less.... as explained in previous post.  I won't go into that again, but I will say that it kept me up afterward for another 2 or 3 hours.  Whenever I'm not with him, I think about breaking up with him, and all of the reasons why I should.

Lately my mind has been playing the most retarded tricks on me.  For instance, starting at around 10pm last night and ending about 12 hours later, my mind would dwell on the same fact for hours, playing out little scenarios and what-ifs and what they would say and what i would say, over and over and over again, ultimately trying to reach me saying all the right lines... but it never happened and I'd get frustrated with myself for spending so mjuch time on such piddly instances that more than likely will never occur - I hope. This morning I got sick of it and told myself to get over it - if it happens, it happens.  Not everything needs to be practiced, frick.  I'm not in school, yet!!!